Struggle within.

This month begins the worst time of every one of all my years. The 2 months of the year that mark the end and allow me to look forward to the beginning and another fresh start. A struggle of feelings that doesn't ever go away.

These are the months where I turn to the strength that I have inside of me. The reasons to go on rather than give up. This month marks the year that my first born would be turning 12. 12!!! The month 12 years ago that I thought my life was just beginning and would be perfectly happily ever after. Sad, so sad that I was so hopeful, and naive. I think about that time a long time ago and it seems unreal. Sort of like a dream. A false happiness and comfort, a time when peace was something that I completely took for granted. Being settled was a dream come true, for me at 18 years old.

The beginning of November marks the beginning of the emotional ride that I take every year. In one week I will celebrate the birth of my first child and at that same time I am reminded of one of the greatest losses of my life, which happened just one month later.

I look back at the time that he was with me and smile at the happiness and joy that I felt when I looked at his face and rubbed his tiny little hand. For the remainder of the month I am going to try to reconnect with my good memories of the time that Colwin Colby Wilbanks was a growing baby and smile at the pride and affection that I felt for him. For the remainder of the month I will spend my time remembering and fighting back the sad, but it will come, just like it does every year.

Useless Feelings

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this particular subject over the past few weeks. Spent plenty of time thinking about what I want in a relationship, what I am willing to give, and even what I feel like I deserve. I have had plenty of relationship experience to allow myself to be pretty confident that I am no longer going to settle for "mediocre" and am more than capable and deserving of the "extraordinary"

In general I love easily and care deeply and am usually pretty open about that. The problem is, I am exhausted from useless, one-sided loving. I am tired of giving and not receiving, caring and not being cared for, and wanting and not being wanted. I know that without truly knowing what all of these things feel like, I would not know the part of all of that that I am missing and I am grateful for the relationships that have taught me the difference.

But I am done with those types of relationships.

So, here's to the stronger, more capable, more deserving me! To the me that will no longer settle for making all of the effort and doing all of the caring. When I feel the love I will give the love and when I have the reason to smile I will return the reason to smile. This may take days, weeks, months or years, but I will wait...because in the end LOVE is what makes the world go round... or something like that. Right?! 

And They're Off!

Today was the first day of school for my little Monsters Angels. Clayton, "baby-step-mom" and I walked them to school all together today. One little happy family...and me.

First I will say that the kids were excited! Kaden was proud of his t-shirt but reluctant to wear his glasses. Aubrie was ready to get things started and had no problems other than the fact that her backpack was too full with all of her supplies in it. The walk went smoothly, Clayton and B-S-M being immature as ever and the kids gearing up for the big good-bye. We were late, true to form I suppose. Aubrie was a little clingy but got distracted quickly and Kaden started crying =/ He is always the sensitive one. Dad and B-S-M proceeded to tease him about it as I hugged and encouraged him. His whole class was putting thier supplies away by direction of the teacher so that snapped him into gear.

Hopefully they had a great day today...I'll let you know soon!

Oh, The Excitement!!

I am doing it! I am writing!! (singing in my head) I have been trying to get my blog decor perfect before posting BUT it isn't...and I don't care!! I am ready to write. As you can see from my first and only post prior to this one, I have been trying to get this going for a while.


Today is a great day for me. I am in a good mood, feeling very rested (which doesn't happen often!) and have maybe had just a little too much coffee for my own good...oops! Today I will just get you caught up on what is going on in my life. After that it's up to you to keep up =)


Moving again. To a better place. Somewhere where the kids are happier which is #1 for me. They start school on Monday. Aubrie will be in 1st grade and Kaden in 4th. Tonight is meet the teacher night so Ex and I are taking them together. No "baby step-mom" (whole 'nother story) thank goodness. They are SO grown and funny and independent and great! I am talking to/dating a great guy. He's funny and easy going and super-duper cute and I am enjoying the time that I have with him. Work has it's days. I am looking for something else within the city. I think it's time for a change. Trying to get registered for school. It's been a slower process than I would have hoped, but moving right along none the less.


I suppose that's enough for now. Time to do some work for work!!

~M

And so I begin again....

Hello Again! (For like, the 3rd time..)

I am going to REALLY focus on this blog this time! I think it is such an important outlet for me. I lose focus, get stuck in my head and put writing aside when I know I shouldn't! I WILL commit myself to posting at LEAST 3 times a week for now!

I wish that I didn't have to change my blog again..but I couldn't figure out how to log into my last account anymore! Not sure how that happened =/ 

Stick with me!

~M