This month begins the worst time of every one of all my years. The 2 months of the year that mark the end and allow me to look forward to the beginning and another fresh start. A struggle of feelings that doesn't ever go away.
These are the months where I turn to the strength that I have inside of me. The reasons to go on rather than give up. This month marks the year that my first born would be turning 12. 12!!! The month 12 years ago that I thought my life was just beginning and would be perfectly happily ever after. Sad, so sad that I was so hopeful, and naive. I think about that time a long time ago and it seems unreal. Sort of like a dream. A false happiness and comfort, a time when peace was something that I completely took for granted. Being settled was a dream come true, for me at 18 years old.
The beginning of November marks the beginning of the emotional ride that I take every year. In one week I will celebrate the birth of my first child and at that same time I am reminded of one of the greatest losses of my life, which happened just one month later.
I look back at the time that he was with me and smile at the happiness and joy that I felt when I looked at his face and rubbed his tiny little hand. For the remainder of the month I am going to try to reconnect with my good memories of the time that Colwin Colby Wilbanks was a growing baby and smile at the pride and affection that I felt for him. For the remainder of the month I will spend my time remembering and fighting back the sad, but it will come, just like it does every year.